I'm not one to stress about money. With the economy in the crapper like it has been it's made me more aware of how I spend my money but I have never been worried about my families financial well being.
But these last couple months have been a big eye opener. Jeremiah and I made the decision way before we had children that I would be at the very least a part time stay at home mom (SAHM). I have real issues with daycare and being away from my kidlettes so I was excited that we were both on the same page when it came to making that decision. But recently it has been heavy on my heart that maybe I should go back full time just so that Jeremiah and I can feel like we have our heads completely above water again.
I feel like we have been treading some pretty rough seas lately when it comes to our financial state- trying desperately to save a little money while still living comfortably. But it seems like it is just getting harder, wavering on impossible.
We've made a lot of budget cuts just to scrap by recently. Cut the cable. Cut Netflix. Cut Community Center membership. Cut the land line. Decided moving wasn't in the cards yet again. Passed on trips. Started buying more in bulk/off brand. Most of these seem like frivolous unnecessary expenditures but when you are cutting out so many things it becomes a lot more noticeable in your regular everyday. And although these extras weren't all that expensive it was nice to see that hundred bucks back in the account.
One of the biggest stresses came last week when Jeremiah got home and checked the bank account. I looked over his shoulder and was horrified to see that we had overdrawn. I wanted to cry. I don't think we have ever gotten down to bare bones before. But there it was, big red numbers with a fat negative flanking it. I can't tell you how disheartening that is to see. I felt a mix of emotions. Frustration, anger, embarrassment, sadness..... basically like I (we) had failed.
I wish that money wasn't constantly on my mind. It's depressing. I don't want to struggle. I don't want to constantly be calculating purchases in my head and how that will effect paying bills/mortgage. I don't consider that a very quality way of living.
I knew that I would have to make some sacrifices when we made the choice of me being a SAHM. But I didn't realize that the stress of not having extra money would literally make me crazy. I want a little freedom. I want to be able to buy myself something every once and a while without the guilt. I would like to buy my kids things when they need them. Not have to figure out how we can budget it in. I don't want them to ever carry our burden of being financially strapped.
I am frustrated. And I am torn. I really don't want my kids in daycare all day. I don't want to spend a 1/4 or more of my paycheck on someone else raising my kids. I want to be able to be that constant in their lives. But the money would be super helpful and relieve a lot of stress.
I wish there was an easy remedy.
I have a lot of soul searching to do. I need to really think about the sacrifice it is to be a SAHM. What the benefits will ultimately have on my kids and whether or not staying with them is well worth the financial strain? And vise versa. Is it more beneficial to work and sacrifice the time that I would spend with them just to have a bigger cushion in the bank? I'm not sure.
It's hard being this open and honest about this issue. I know that people will read this and make instant snap judgments. Maybe they will even be second guessing every way we spend our money. And that is okay. I know it is hard to understand. I have people in my own family who make blind comments about people being "irresponsible" with their money. All assumptions that they must be spending it on frivolous things if they are so strapped. Let me tell you- We aren't irresponsible with our money. Yes, we still like to have fun. We still like to eat out on occasion. We still like to take the kids (well Fynn at least) to get a chocolate milk at Tully's once and a while. We still like to see movies and go camping. So, if you want to call that irresponsible then fine. I'll accept that. But at the same time I want to enjoy life too. I want to be able to spend a little of that hard earned money on things that bring my husband/kids/me joy. Obviously I know our well being is more important....having a roof over our heads, food on the table.... I'm not being dumb and booking a trip to Disney here... I just want to live without the burden of financial stain rearing its ugly head.
I think a lot of our financial stress is coming from all the recent medical bills after having a baby and now with my unexplained face pain (more on that later). So that just adds to the pot of bills to pay. We also are now buying diapers and wipes for two kidlettes which is not by any means cheap (makes me that much more determined to get Fynn completely potty trained). We also had an unexpected ER vet bill that came into play a week before Owen was born- that makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. It's just a lot of temporary bills that will ultimately get paid off that are making these times more difficult for us then it should be.
It's tough and stressful. Yet, I know it's just a season we are going through.
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